Searching for a muse...

It's been almost a week since I've written on here, the last month or so has just been busy with life. ...I know I could have more to do as far as school goes, but even then, I think I'd do about the same amount of work, it's more of trying to figure out the life-thing that is taking up time.

Since there really is no such thing as a break at a small Catholic university, I am now in search of my Muse for my last 2 papers of my last fall semester of my last year at college, at last.

Turkey day was good, I spent it at a friend's grandmom's house. While it was good, it was still sad and lonely as any holiday away from home ought to be. My roommate left for the weekend as well, so it's been a quiet weekend.

One of my high school classmates is getting married today--eek. I'm almost 22. In 8 years I'll be 30. When my brother graduates from High School I'll be 28. Ugh...what am I going to do with my life?! This weekend my life is writing 2 papers, one on Evelyn Waugh's Brideshead Revisited and another on Shelley's poetry. Rather ambitious on the latter half, and drawing a blank for the former...a wonderful chocolate is awaiting me, tempting me as it sits on my desk, which I have alotted to myself on the completion of something, anything, today.

The countdown has begun..3 weeks til I go home. : )

I love life.

I. Love. Life.

I just got off the phone with my dad, and every rare once in a while I'll have a great catch-up with my Dad. My dad is an absolute goofball, and so, while my dad always takes care of me, we don't always have the longest of serious conversations. But today, we talked for about 45 minutes, and I'm just dying to get home. FOUR weeks from yesterday, and I will be home. I cannot wait to get back to the Cold, White North. I subconsciously refuse to admit the inevitable procession of Time while amidst the consistent temperatures of South West Florida. I have to remind myself it is November. And not only is it November. It is November 22nd. When did that happen!?

Anyway, I was pleased to hear all the update of everyone at home from my Dad and I am looking forward with great anticipation this much needed vacation. This semester has been rough--and I have senioritis, and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, and after 3 months I finally feel that just now I'm getting settled, and now I must start thinking about the end. Life just keeps going.

I don't know if I could have had a nerdier weekend and this morning's experience was proof of that (I'll get to that in a minute). Friday night, after Intramural football, I spent the night drinking wine, eating cheese, bread and chocolate, and finishing both Brideshead Revisisted and The Chosen. Two wonderful books worthy of reading, at least once, and now on my list to read again (for the 3rd time). I spent most of the day Saturday contemplating Romanticism, the poet Shelley and the idea of self-creation between the coffee shop and the library. Saturday evening I also spent studying, and then caught up with the girls to watch the movie The Breakup. I LOVE Jennifer Aniston, and Vince Vaughn is a good actor. I really liked the movie...

After early Mass today I headed to the coffee shop for much needed leisure reading...The last few days have been rather melancholic, and mixed with my desire to write, I have spent them deep in thought about ...things students think about? haha. ...about things that I can't write about yet because I hvaen't thought enough. ...One day I'll write a book though. Watch for me, Rebecca Barclay. My name might be changed by then though, so...just watch for it. haha.

I have class later today at the Pub, which I am SO looking forward to...Romanticism, Dr. Raiger and beer, woo hooo...haha. Can't wait til break next week--anticipation of Thanksgiving mmm...I'm also planning on vegetating for a few days over a Friends marathon. I love that show.

These, my friends, are the shoes that carried me to the dance last weekend. They were option #3, I found the absolute perfect shoes at Charlotte Rousse, and the second pair were at Marshalls, and finally due to lack of my size (because everyone my size must love them), I finally found these and happily sported them for most of the evening.

I've failed at blogging this week, due to...due to what? .. Hm, I'm not sure either. It was a busy week, I guess, from here on out the semester will only be easy. I had 2 papers due earlier this week and one later last week--I received the one from last week back and was disappointed...I knew I did bad, BUT, somehow...I had hopes...for...haha, I don't know what for. I knew it was a bad paper an dmy professor figured just as much...I was going to use him for a reference, but now I'm second-guessing...it's funny how much feelings-in-the-moment drive our decisions...I'm now second-guessing the whole Masters program, which I found to be perfect. I don't know what to do...

"I don't know what to do with my life..." haha. For now I guess I'll just live. ...Hmm...what do I really want?...What do I really want to do? ... I want to be a wife and mother (No, I'm not going for my M-R-S degree...), I just think that's what I want. No one really wants that now it seems, all this talk about careers and moving up, doing for yourself, finding yourself, being yourself. I think people are just selfish and afraid. Selfish to give of themselves and afraid of failing...

Anyways...random thoughts for the day.

One day I will stand like this...looking out over my yard...from my home. Drinking...what is it? Wine? Coffee??...haha. one or the other.

I have felt melancholic the last couple days, and I'm not quite sure why. Life is so bizarre...so many odd things happen, and amidst it all, Divine Providence drenches each moment. It completely covers and carries each moment.

Life keeps going and it's up to the lasting-soul-part-of-man to figure out how to 'keep on keeping on.' Sometimes I feel so far removed from the physical material world, it's hard for me to understand how modern man lives, so close to matter and hardly breaking surface beyond skin.

I could sit content for hours thinking thoughts and dreaming dreams...and when I grow up I'll make sure to dedicate a physical space in my home to the beyond-physical.

Another day goes by...

Another day...Another weekend...Another week, Another month and I'll be home!

I can't wait to go home for Christmas break. And there will be snow, and family and my 11-year-old brother and just more home-ness. Regardless of where you're from, I think that there's just some unseen understanding of your presence where you grew up. ...Lutovsky's still live down the road, and know that I don't like playing baseball and that I'm going for Theology. The lady at the bank will ask how school is going, her husband was my student-teacher driver for Drivers Ed. Coach Barta will still go into the gas station, and the same little old ladies will be sitting at the same spots for daily Mass.

Wen I leave, I feel like part of me just stays at home. I get home and I just think, "*sigh*, yes, I forgot about you. That's just right--feels like me." ...

So what lies betbween me and this magical place, haha: 2 papers and a quiz tomorrow, first of all. After that, mm..I don't know...a few more papers, a few more quizes, a few tests, an oral exam...and one month. Oh how I can't wait.

The light's on at the end of the tunnel, I can see it now.

Jokes on me...

So, again, it's been awhile...

It's been a long, rather up-and-down, emotionally-driven, week. *so happy today's Friday*

As I sat on my bed crying (some day this week), my roommate Grace was reflecting out loud, "we never used to have problems like this." Between cancer, alcohol, appendicitis, best friends having babies, boys and school--all the emotions able to be experienced seem to be covered amidst our tight-knit group of girlfriends. People we know are dying and people we know are getting married. We're in those choice years that seem to shape a person by teaching...and the early 2o-something-year old learns from experience, aka "the hard way."

...

Anyway, the joke on me today: I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning to finish a paper, only to find that on Monday of this week (yes, 4 days ago, Monday) we received an extension. I came to class ready to hand over all that I could muster on the Romantic movement into the second generation packed into 6 and 1/2 pages, to find an extra 48 hours in which I now get to revise. :). ...I'd rather just turn it in.

School seems to be consuming my life right now--paper, paper, paper, quiz, annotated bibliography, read, read, read. It's good though. Just overwhelming.

I can't complain right now: Life is good. The heart of life is good, and I have been blessed with th grace to be happy in the moment, so I have nothing to complain about.

I can't wait...

I can't wait...to watch the Vikings game this weekend.

I can't wait...to get all dolled up for the dance this weekend.

I can't wait...to return that dress I bought from Gap online, so I can have 30 more bucks.

I can't wait...to take the afternoon for myself tomorrow, instead of going to work.

I can't wait...to finish this paper tonight, and do it well.

I can't wait...to read Brideshead Revisited.

I can't wait...to hear from my family in the next couple days.

I can't wait...to see my best friend's first baby in a few months.

I can't wait...to be done with undergraduate SCHOOLING.

I can't wait...to take just one day at a time.

Life is good. I'm so stressed. But Life is good. And as long as I just take it one thing at a time, and keep asking "what's the worst that could happen if this doesn't go as planned?" I'll be fine.

writing, writing, writing...

I'm going to do this...instead of blogging.

Happy Sunday...what's left of it anyway!

I absolutely love this picture. It makes me so happy. She must be marking the pages that have good quotes.

"A book is a nerds best friend." Okay...I made it up, and actually it should be, "BOOKS are a nerds best friend." My roommate clarified that I'm not a nerd, as in sci-fi nerd, but rather I am a nerd "for" something. I love readings...books...writing...coffee. And today, of all days, I think I found what I'm going to do with my life (for the next unknown amount of time). I've been a bit down lately, since the breakup and all (how dramatic, I know). Because of this, I've been trying to take care of myself...I've indulged in the goodness of Dove dark chocolate. I've bought wine (Robert Mondavi's Pinot Noir--loves it). I've gone to the pub. a few times...I've been spending my time drinking coffee, laying in my bed, to the utmost of relaxation--and indulging in the greatness that is oft contained between two covers. I have four books sitting on the dresser next to my bed...a couple more on my bed right now...and a few other randoms on my desk and in my book bag. ...It's funny how much they have become my 'best friends' (I know I'm lame...and dramatic). I decided today that only what is good is worth my time and my love (love meant both in the sense of what I like and in the sense of what I simply give my will over to, what I choose to give myself to). Ugh, it's so hard.

Back to the point...since I've been down, and pampering myself, I went to the coffee shop today to study. At 5:00 I was sad to find that it closes at such an hour on Sundays...on the way out I ran into a couple of friends who were simply moving to the outside tables to keep studying so I joined them. ...One thing led to another and I ended up going to dinner with one of them. While discussing our classes and what we want to do with our majors, she told me about a program that offers a Masters in Fine Arts, specifically designed for creative writing. It sounded too good to be true, and I quickly relayed my excited, while maintaing an amount of reservation within. I was certain that as soon as I researched it, a number of rather large speed bumps would be present that would discourage any effort whatsoever. This girl told me she would e-mail me the link, and I even thought "Oh, she won't even remember after this conversation."

Tonight I sat down to check my e-mail and was surprised to see an e-mail from her, along with the link to the University's webpage. After looking through all the tabs, all I could think was "this is it." You know how sometimes you don't even have to think beyond a moment, you just know. You have to make an effort and you simply have to do it. Well, this is one of those. Possibly the best part of it: it's a low-residency program. I can study and earn my masters from whatever location I desire, with the simple standard that I must attend two 10-day residencies a year. One in Seattle and one in New Mexico. Other than that, after 2 (or 3, if I decide on 2 genres instead of 1) years I would have it. Also, a bonus: the cost is only $30,000 for 3 years; which beats (x 100) the $25,000 a year I'm paying now.

Nothing else could line up more. It's funny how certain things fall into place while others fall out. My heart's at peace simply because I know Someone up there is looking out for me, and His plans are way better than mine, even when I don't understand.

Also--in my efforts to pamper myself--I went shopping online today. (LOVES IT). Here's pics of what I ordered : ) Happy Monday.

It's been awhile...

I've been taking a break from this blogsite, and have been exploring another blogsite. I created a blog on tumblr ( www.heartscribble.tumblr.com ) .. While it lacks the susbstantial aspect of blogs on other blogsites, it's neat to reblog photos and the photos are usually awesome...It's kind of like an online dreambook.

I think that after I graduate from college I'll start a real blog, until then I'll just dip around.

Life is life here, it just keeps moving. Things are always changing, and we just have such problems adjusting to change...I feel like I'm in between stages...not quite outta here--no longer tied here. ...I can't wait to be done with school for awhile. I don't know what I'll do next, but I know that nothing will be like the education I received here, at a small Catholic liberal arts school. It's advertised as "rigorous" and students only speak of graduation as "survival." ...I can't wait to move back North...I miss my winter wardrobe, hot coffee because it's cold, and my family.

I also found out last night I won't be getting any visitors from home for Thanksgiving, my parents and sister were thinking about coming. In light of recent events, concerning "the-X," I also will be staying here rather than going to anyone's home. Darn. Sad holidays. College days can be so lonely.

Learning how to sing in the rain...

Well..

as of last night I am now a single lady again. ...

I really didn't expect this I guess. And now, I guess I'll just take care of myself.

I wish I could go home. Going to school 2000 miles away from home really doesn't help with life things like this.

What's the saying?
I guess I have to learn how to sing in the rain.

And what's my friend Sam always say, "he's a chump."

Here's to all the single ladies...

That's all for today.

Hello Monday!

I think today was the best day I had in quite a while. Sometimes all I think is "I don't want to grow up, I don't want to grow up", and other times I think "I can't wait to grow up." Today was an "I can't wait to grow up day," and have my own place, and go to Mass on Sunday and then lounge the rest of the day away..naps...House...30 Rock...football...volleyball..a walk. And at this point, if I were grown up, I would hit the hay. But tonight, I am welcoming Monday in its very beginnings with a cup of coffee, as I sit down to write 6 more pages for my take home Mid-Term that I have successfully put off until now (and I'm actually still procrastinating, as I tell myself, oo its not due til 4:30--plenty of time, I could do it all tomorrow...), hah, but no, I am sitting down to do it tonight. I've been waiting for my muse...and I told him to wait until after I finally blogged, and if he fails me yet again tonight, I think that I will stay up watching House and 30 Rock. The internet connection on campus here is ridiculous--absolutely ridiculous, and only works well for hulu at odd times when not that many people are using the internet. Therefore, I must choose wisely when to view, and until I have my own place *where the internet will work* deal.

I think I hurt my heart yesterday: in honor of Halloween, a group of us got together to watch a scary movie, Quarantine. I was definately scared, but it was definately worth it--I love the thrill that it gives you (makes you feel so alive, haha), and I find it thoroughly entertaining, to sit on a couch with a bunch of people who all scream and jump at the same time and then laugh hysterically while actually being completely scared. I think it's hilarious.

I was also thankful for daylight savings today, and found it amusing that my bf was up, showered, dressed and on his way down to meet me for Mass before realizing the time change. The rest of the day was filled with a long nap, House (this is a great season), my first time viewing 30 Rock (which I found hilarious), meeting up at the pub with a couple girlfriends for the Vikings games (Vikings beat the Packers again, 38-26), and a friendly match of 2 on 2 sand volleyball, in which me and the bf won a couple rounds in the ongoing world series titled "Matt&Bec-Take-The-World." While I only use the title of this series when we play volleyball, that's how I feel, we're trying to figure out if we're meant to be...if we really can take on the world together. Regardless of how it ends, it sure is great now.

Now I'm off to find my muse...hopefully he accompanies this cup of coffee which, I'm sure, will not dissappoint (it's always better to look at the positive side rather than the negative...).

I love Saturdays.

Sometimes this is how I feel. ...Sometimes can't you just see the imperfection that all exist within you--can't you just feel that inside of you there is a world far far away from anything anyone else can see?!...How deep we can go inside of ourselves, how far down our hearts reach--I don't think we even know. Everyday that passes, there is so much change and so much monotony. Its as if we are continually being bombarded on all sides with *new*new*new* and we're taught in the modern world today to be numb*numb*numb to things, not to really feel, but to just do what you do feel. We don't let ourselves go any deeper...it's like at the bottom of ourselves--deep inside, far down, there is the treasure chest at the bottom of the ocean, and it's calm there...even though everything isn't perfect, it's calm there. But, we stay at the very top--where the wind moves the water, and that's what we are: we move with the wind. ...Today I can just see my imperfections, it's like being present in two worlds, the constant struggle and battle to remain present in what is real, and not to let my projections, insecurities, etc. dictate how I act.

that's all for meditation alskjdf...

Anyway--South West Florida, could you not just disappoint once and COOL the heck off. Hell will freeze over before you dip down into the low 60s. And I am going to die, one way or another--thermal combustion, melt down, ... dehydration, starvation (can't go out to get food), etc. Looks like it'll be a pretty nice weekend here...just gonna keep on mozying on through Saturday..hit up the college basketball game tonight...and just chill out tonight. I still have 6 and 1/2-7 pages to write for 4:30 on Monday. But (all of a sudden), frankly dear, I don't give a damn. And so what's done is done and what's not will be soon enough, no need to freak.

I think I'll just have a piece of chocolate and live.

The Vikings play tomorrow 4:15 Central Time. Against the Packers, again. Go Vikings!

Inspirational Friday.

haha, yes, I am the one who need inspiration on Fridays. Actually, today's not so bad. Life's not so bad. My life, and the problems in my life, are not so bad. Another morning full of Romanticism, I'm still working on the take home for the class. I started last night, and it's due Monday, and it's a killer. It's a lot of work. I think I'll work on it a bit more this morning before class. Next, work from 1 to 5, then a coffee date with the bf (I owe him...-we bet on our grades). And tonight we're going to the University women's volleyball game, playing some sand volleyball ourselves, participating in the lamest-ever-intramural-sport: dodgeball (*which I was not too excited about being put on a team...), and then, hopefully, going out to the pub with another couple. It actually sounds like a great day to me...school is going to kick my butt this weekend and all that my inner-most being wants is the beach. Well, here's a quote that was on another friend's blog. They have these tumblr blogs, where you can re-blog everything from others, so as I look at theirs it makes me want to re-blog...the last couple posts have been my attempts to do just that.

**"After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand & changing a soul. You begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts & presents aren’t promises. & you start to accept your defeats with your head up & your eyes open. You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain. After a while, you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden & decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. You learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong, & that you really do have worth. You learn that with every goodbye, there’s a hello. Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone totally wrong for you. Say no. Say Yes. Spend all your cash. Fall in love. Be random. Say I love you. Cry. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Sing out loud. Tell them how you feel. Let someone know what they’re missing. Laugh until your stomach hurts. Take a deep breath & live life the best way you know how."**

Another Day...

My roommate wrote this the other day on her blog:

**Buddy
My roomate and I have been falling in love with a certain spider named Buddy who has taken up residence outside our second-story dorm room window. Day after day he weaves his web, day after day it is destroyed by the wind and rain. But he’s been there, toiling away for three months. Such a perseverant spider. Hard worker, despite everything that’s going against him. But he doesn’t seem to care, life doesn’t seem to intimidate him in the least. That may be because he’s a spider, but I like to think of him as Buddy, my role model. I would like to go through a day without despairing when I fail, without getting frustrated with life, without giving into the hopelessness and tiredness of the daily struggle. I would like to go through a day like Buddy.
Buddy’s spiderweb has never survived the day. But he has, and he’s rebuilt it every day. Maybe everyday he beings weaving, hoping that this will be the day the web survives. **

WELL, everyone in the blogging world, life goes on: and my emotions are what rule my life right now. I'm really trying to understand this, this being my emotional life of whimsy, BUT for now, I'll just press on. Life is bigger than my emotions and, usually my emotions are wrong anyways.

Go figure.

we're just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys...

"We are so fragile...we are just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.."
-Ingrid Michaelson

AH. Life.

Making it through another day. The good news for today: I got an A on my last Romanticism paper...the professor remarked, " This is linked nicely to the poet/nature/other dynamic found in "Resolution and Independence," which you've shown me to be a more intersting and complicated poem than I previously thought." WOO HOO. So, in order to get an A: pick a poem the professor hasn't studied extensively; BS your way through ;). Just kiddinggg...

I don't know what else to say!. Life is so simple--it really is, I think we complicate it, and it all can be so hard. All we really want is to love and be loved, and that's the hardest thing. How do we really love? How do you know how to love when from person to person it changes? When you can't find consistency within yourself? When everything outside of you changes and moves? I don't know either yet...

I want a cat.

Well--I am now back on campus...a quick three day weekend, leisurely spent, now come and gone. Everytime I come back to school it seems to get harder. After 3 and 1/2 years at a school 2000 miles away from home, it just gets harder and I don't know if I've been more ready to be done. Just 7 short months and I'll be done.

On the other hand, I had a great weekend away. We did nothing, followed by a family barbeque...followed by nothing...Mass on Sunday and sitting around watching football all day, a sad day, mind you: the Vikings' 6 game winning streak was interrupted by the Steelers. I was consoled just a bit by the Dolphins upset: as I sat on the couch with a crowd full of Dolphins fans, and with the Dolphins leading 24-3, I silently cheered for a come back from the Saints. While momentarily satisfied that I wasn't the only one whose team lost, I really hope the Dolphins would win so that the Saints winning streak could be lost...Regardless, the games were good as was the pizza and so I couldn't ask for more...

Today was a great day for the beach, where I started to re-read The Chosen by Chaim Potek. It was a beautiful day...After the beach we lazily watched 2 hours of House--and thus commenced my final Fall Break of my college career: a very satisfying one. Now that I'm back on campus, I've realized that I've fallen behind in all of my classes. ...This weekend I also realized how much I miss home, and how much I wish I had been a literature major. I also think that I am highly effected by the lack of chocolate in my diet. This epiphany led me to the candy aisle, in which I found that Dove chocolate was on sale in Wal Mart tonight. I refrained from buying more than one bag, and am thus beginning my journey to find the perfect balance for my karma. Or, rather, my emotional well-being.

Also, I'm finding life's easier when you let others be themselves, and only worry about yourself. "I understand now that charity consists in bearing with the faults of others, in not being surprised at their weakness, in being edified by the smallest acts of virtue we see them practice." St. Therese of Lisieux

where the wild things are...

The girls night turned out to be a great night, and now I'm just minutes away from leaving campus for 3 days (wooHOO!).

Yesterday was a very long Friday, and I was happy to end it with a girls night out. All of us were rolling deep as we went to Sushi-Thai (there were 16 of us I think). Ew, I know, it sounds gross. Raised in the country of North Dakota, I wasn't much cultured in such concentrations as sushi or thai. I've been to the restaurant before, and very stubbornly resisted the temptation to get anything, but last night I finally gave it a try. Like I said, I am a meat and potatoes girl...and so this was rather momentous for me. I got the Katsu Roll--Fried chicken, asparagus, and scallion wrapped in rice that is held together by seaweed. Drooling yet? It wasn't as bad as I thought it was, but I didn't get to use the chop sticks--the fact that you're supposed to put the whole thing in your mouth at once and use two pointed sticks to do that got me, and I just used a good ol' American fork.

After dinner we made our way to the local Panera for coffee and then hit up the movie Where The Wild Things Are. I did not grow up reading that book, so I didn't really know what I was getting in to. It was a very bizarre movie--with a lot of psychological underpins...I'd like to watch it again and read into it a bit more. Regardless of its strangeness, it was entertaining and the birthday girl loved it.

And now I must go, I'm off to do absolutely nothing for 3 days and I can't be late for that.

a perfect day

A Friday in my dreams....and maybe Saturday and Sunday as well. ...one day.

Matt and Kim

Today I would choose...detour. While chatting with my friend Sam at the coffeshop, the thought crossed my mind: Hey, why don't I just quit school after this semester?!...I could just not come back...One semester left, hey, why not? Being taught how to think (because I am at a liberal arts school), and not how to do, I then thought my way through the practicality of such a choice: how would it change anything? I guess it really wouldn't. I'd have a degree. But a degree in theology from a liberal arts school. I then proceeded to thought, "Would I be fine with that?"...mmm...that is the question. Okay, I'm not going to do it--but the idea of working for 4 and 1/2 months and saving money, rather than going to school for one last semester in which I'll have to take 3 core classes as well as write my thesis, sounded a bit better today.

Continuing on the theme of today: today, too, if I could choose anything--I'd choose to run away and just be Matt and Kim. I'd find a job that was "soul-less" (meaning, no real deeper meaning at the root), and I'd work for a living, and let the grandeur of my everyday ordinary life be enough for my soul. My job would simply be a part of my bigger life, and my life would never simply be my job. I want to live for a-living. Matt and Kim are a punk band that nobody knows about, and they hava a great song, Daylight.

My mid-terms for today went fine, not as well as could be expected I guess, but at least they're over. I have a paper to write for tomorrow, and I also found out that my take home midterm (which I GET tomorrow FOR over Fall Break) is to write TWO 4-page essays. errgggg...I am also dreading tomorrow. There's something about having time chunked out and alotted that just ruins my day: class from 9:45 to 11:45, work from 1-5 and then the girls are going out at 5:30. At least the girls night out will be fun, but I'm the type of solitary soul who just enjoys herself time...needs herself time...to function well and fine, and as ought to. Oh well, life keeps going.

Who can resist?!

Doesn't this bed look utterly amazing?!...you can feel the comfy-ness...I just woke up from a 2 and 1/2 hour nap! While 2 mid-terms and a paper are looming ahead of me in the next now-less-than 48 hours, I couldn't resist lying down for a little escape. I'm falling in love with the phrase, "I guess I just needed the sleep."

I did study all morning (at the coffee shop, which was great), and as I continued to study a feeling of anxiousness began growing in me: wow, there's more information than I thought there was. Especially for my 20th Century Literature mid-term, of which we were informed yesterday that we would be tested on war poetry that we did not get a chance to go over in class. Great. Now, I am trying to figure this poetry-thing out. I never studied or read poetry in my vast and thorough education at a small and rural public school and therefore it comes off to me as a bit foreign and a bit...lame?...I don't know--I think you really have to be in the mood for it. Ask my roommate, the other night I was NOT in the mood for it, and the readings that followed of an opium addict romanticist poet were accompanied by eruptions of laughter which I absolutely could not resist. Yes, I feel awful, but...come on...what does some of this stuff mean?!.. Anyway--I shall do my best to memorize the main concepts, but I'm sure that even my shallow-surface understanding fails to reach any depth of poetic knowledge.

On another note, South West Florida has surprised me--it has remained relatively cool. While I wouldn't mind sitting out, basking in the healthiness of the sun, I can't complain at the sudden, melancholic change in the weather. Florida will warm up again, that's for sure, and sitting inside, in a comfy bed, reading poetry isn't so bad afterall.

I am increasingly looking foward to this Fall Break. While jipped of a true Fall BREAK, we are left with a long 3 day weekend and only lame Monday off. Oh well, I guess I'll take what I can get. Also, to add insult to injury, one of my nice professors is saying goodbye to us for Fall Break with a Take Home Mid-Term we get on...Friday. Lovely. Regardless, I'm determined to have a relaxing, carefree last-fall-break of my college years. Friday night the girls are going out to celebrate a 21st birthday. And Saturday the bf and a couple friends and I will be off to West Palm, to the bf's house for the weekend. While we spoke of movies, the beach, a nice date, maybe bowling, I'm completely content on staking out the couch, ordering pizza and catching up on this season of House.

I guess I better get to that poetry...

Addicted and Senioritis

Addicted ... to...Senioritis.

Song of the day: Addicted by Kelly Clarkson.

It's also the song of everyday for our room. Gracie and I have listened to this song everyday for the past 3 weeks...at least.

I don't know what it is: Mondays...4 years of college...just me...I just can't kick this senioritis. Not only do I lack the desire to study, but I now also lack, after 3 years and counting of college experience, any care or motivation whatsoever to study. The voice arising amidst all the busyness and big decisions, big things and important stuff is "...but I don't care." And I think what we mean when we say that is, I really do care--but sometimes caring too much just isn't worth it. Sometimes caring too much just doesn't cut it. As Kelly Clarkson would say, "gotta keep moving on, moving on, fly away..breakaway."

We love her whole 2004 CD.

Coffee helps for Mondays.

I bought skinny jeans today.

After subconsciously writing skinny jeans off as too tight for me (and my bodacious curves), I decided to wear a pair of my roommate's for a dance a few weeks ago. It was a Sadie Hawkins dance, and we were supposed to dress as our favorite famous couple. ...I quickly decided Lucy and Ricky Ricardo would be perfect. I asked my bf and he said yes (phew), and while he looks nothing like Ricky Ricardo, I still thought theyd be perfect. The night of the dance came and it must have been an emotional day--I knew we 'd look nothing like them and so in order to prevent a breakdown (girls and their emotions :/), we went as Matt and Kim. The punk rock band nobody knows about but is so cute. Look up their song Daylight. It's a great song.

ANYWAY---I wore the skinny jeans, and was almost instantly converted. And today, I bought skinny jeans. And I can't wait to wear them.

Yes, I spent today shopping, and am still procrastinating at the moment, the weekend before Mid Terms. It should be a busy week, but oh well. Weeks are always busy and the only thing we really have is the present moment. Don't want to waste time now...

The cool 70s and 60s temps of the weekend brought back a great interior wistfulness for home. Oh, South West Florida, how you fail to capture the true beauty of Fall and kill any love for sweatshirts and curling up in a nice blanket with a cup of coffee and a good book. While I was bummed that not only was it cooler temps, but the humidity dropped low enough to prevent us from going to the beach today, I'm not holding out for the cool front to last much longer...I'm sure by tomorrow I'll again sweat the moment I step outside and my hair will not hold anything due to the humidity.

Well, off to the books I guess. A final quote on the subject of emotions: "But are not this struggle and even the mistakes one may make better, and do they not develop us more, than if we kept systematically away from emotions?" ~Vincent Van Gogh

I think it is better to keep near. Good bye, precious weekend, good morning Monday.

Weekend, I prefer the weekend...

To give you an idea of how my Friday began, I'll just say that I switched shirts 5 times. ...Rather than being filled with the eager anticipation that tastes like Friday night when I woke up, I found in its place a little dose of indecision and the absence of motivation..."Why, oh why, must Friday be so long?!"...Weekend, I do prefer the weekend.

After sitting through my 2+ hour Romanticism class, which I do love, by the way--and would love merely for the reason that it is at the coffee shop and not in a classroom, I ran into a dear friend of mine and was pleased to find that she did an exceedingly well job on her moot court the other day--perhaps the biggest project of her undergraduate career. This news lifted my spirits a bit, but sometimes everything just keeps going on around you and all you want to do is stop.

After a quick lunch, here I am, and now, with just minutes left to exert the freedom of my will, I will bring my will back under restraint and make my way off to an afternoon of work as an Administrative Assistant. Bleh. Each Friday I feel more and more what it really means to make an act of the will--haha, I have to batter it down and put it in a neck-hold, and then, finally, a small (and hopefully appearing to be genuine) smile comes, and slowly grows as I know that I couldn't explain it well enough to these older working men and women, what it quite means to take all the chances you can while you're still young and do not NEED the money because you will only WASTE it....ahh...torn...torn..i'm a senior in college...never again will I be here again..no more school...work...'real' world....

I don't want to grow up.

2 for 3 and Catch Up...

Well, I made it 2 for 3 of my classes today...Quiz in Greek, check...Paper for Theology, check...Quiz for Literature, crap. And, not only just a quiz, but a quiz on James Joyce's A Portrait of the Artist As A Young Man. A unique novel containing a few patches of rather good writing, and quite a few descriptions of the movement of the soul from a receptivity to reality to a turned-inward, exaltation of the creative powers of man. ...It has some distubring images and leaves one feeling rather heavy. While I was happy to keep that book out of my bag as I went to class today, the 10 question quiz left me feeling just as heavy as I realized how many of the details didn't stick...

Oh well. And now the name of the game is Catch Up. While laying in bed, watching House and taking a 2 and 1/2 hour nap sounded and felt great yesterday, it has left me behind in 3 of my 4 classes, and we'll take the tally again tonight to check for progress on the 4th class.

To continue in the color of grey, I'll leave you with one of the poems we read in 2oth century literature today. It's by Wilfred Owen, a war poet, I think most known for his poem Dulce Et Decorum Est. This poem is called The Last Laugh.

'O Jesus Christ! I'm hit,' he said; and died.
Whether he vainly cursed, or prayed indeed,
The Bullets chirped--In vain! vain! vain!
Machine-guns chuckled,--Tut-tut! Tut-tut!
And the Big Gun guffawed.

Another sighed,--'O Mother, mother! Dad!'
Then smiled, at nothing, childlike, being dead.
And the lofty Sharpnel-cloud
Leisurely gestured,--Fool!
And the falling splinters tittered.

'My Love!' one moaned. Love-languid seemed his mood,
Till, slowly lowered, his whole face kissed the mud.
And the Bayonets' long teeth grinned;
Rabbles of Shells hooted and groaned;
And the Gas hissed.

In this poem, Owen uses the opposite of rhyme: rather than changing the consonants to have rhymes, he uses consonant rhymes and changes the vowels: example, the end of lines 1 and 2: died and indeed. and the end of lines 6 and 7: Dad and dead. Anyway, at this point the movement of poetry went from a glorified sense of war to the dismal war that ended all wars--humanity is dying and technology in warfare is now killing us. The machinery takes on a personal tone as it chuckles, guffaws, gestures, hoots, groans and hisses. Sometimes don't you just feel this way? Everything is kicking you while you're down, even things that don't kick.

Greg House

After a later than desired evening, I decided to blog rather than study for my Greek quiz, write the paper due tomorrow or hunt down the professor who I need to speak with about another paper.

"College promotes the sedentary life," my bf said last night, haha. It was this thought that spurred a nice run last night, followed by "studying," *ahem,* which actually consisted of an Amber Bock, a couple friends, Greek flash cards anddddd the first episode of the new season of House.

For those of you who are avid House fans, I found that the sudden (and rather prolonged...?) glimpse into the humanity of House kept me intrigued just as much as his usual biting sarcasm and bluntness. There's something about House you just gotta love...it's as if we all try to hide our narcissistic sides while he parades around, loving to analyze the reactions of people around him "for fun."

I decided to take Greek "for fun." I think it's fun to be taught and able to analyze languages--maybe it's the lack thereof we seem to get now a days in English. I also found out about a week ago that it's an intensive course, stuffing the load of two semesters into one. While the end sounds nice (after one year of Greek, I'll have the equivalency of two), my phrase for the last week has been "Greek is killing me." There's just more and more to memorize...and the more coming from the one side seems to confuse any left on the other side.

Wednesdays are good days for me--only one class from 8:30 to 9:30 and then my day is free. Temptations like the beach, sleep and frivilous obsessions most often get the best of me and tonight the agenda entails a nice trip to study at Barnes and Noble with a close girlfriend of mine. Coffee and books, what could be better?! I love perusing around, finding great finds, dreaming about having my own house with my own library filled with a ton of old-looking, worn books (most-likely unread...but cool looking nonetheless).

And then something usually brings me back to where I'm actually at, which then makes me question, in a rather frantic manner, how IN THE WORLD am I going to make it?! Money, what's that? How do I save it...what does that even mean?...It seems like these thoughts are always guided by the daunting and seemingly omnipresence object we call money, moolah, denaro...etc. Someone should write a book, "The Names of The Current Medium of Exchange" (*nerdy theology allusion*)...The best plan of action I have found thus far is to marry a man who's level headed and practical, but not practical enough to leave me to my fanciful dreaming alone.

And now, in the name of responsibility, I'm going to chase down this Romanticism professor--while he says that he thinks he has the most office hours of all the professors, the truth is, he has been known to run from students who came to visit him, change the location of his office for the day randomly, and just altogether skip and go to the Pub. I guess he is a Romanticism professor, literature professor's in general tend to be...eccentric. So best of luck to me, and good day to all of you.

Song of the Day: flashback to the 90s (great age of music, by the way, and 1998 to be exact)--One Week by Bare Naked Ladies.

First blog post! woo hoo!

"To create is to recognize the spirit in things;
to imitate is to submerge personality at the lowest level of the mass."

I created this blog a few days ago and each time I sit down to actually write the first blog post I end up cringing and reverting to facebook, hotmail, fox news or some other website...I have this horrible feeling each time I try to start something that first of all I have never done before, and second of all, I don't know if I'll even write a second post. You may be asking what my point is and I really don't know either. I've thought to myself many a times, "hm. I'd like to be a writer." But a sure and practical way of going about such a career has never been apparent to me and the very best writers are those who go off muse moreso than a 12-step program.
More recently my "I'd like to be a writer" thought has been followed by a "maybe I should start a blog" thought. I don't know if it's something ingrained into the very thought of a blog that silently says "And I won't tell anyone I know I'm starting a blog--I'll tell the whole world my thoughts, as long as they don't know it's me it's okay." And thus my blog began...

And now I'm asking all of you regular joe bloggers, what do you blog about? It seems that people write about what they think about and what consumes them...the question underlying my state of being right now happens to be, "What am I going to do with my life?" When you're younger (junior high/high school), it's like you can answer this question anyway you want--it has bears no consequences at such a nice young age. When you get older, you realize that whatever you answer is what you are accountable for--you either choose to do it or you don't. You don't really know how to do what you want to do or how to get where you want to be, and the fear of the unkown that seems to lie in all of us often gets the best. What do I really want to do and what should I do? What do I want to do and what can I do? The older you get the more what you can do seems to influence what you want to do. I think it's easy to just fall back on what you know is possible--what's safe, comfortable, no fears...and so you kinda lose yourself, you lose what you really want and what makes you happy.

Before even writing I was tempted to look at other blogs and then to imitate whatever I could find, hence the opening quote. To create is recognize the spirit in things. For me, writing helps me recognize and understand more--more about how this life works, about how we work, about myself. So, for the rest of this senior year of college, I'm going to try and blog. If anything, it will at least be a funny thing to look back on: reflections on my senior year--I'll look back and see how much I didn't know, and laugh at how stupid I am.

I guess now you can say whatever you want. Have fun. Peace.