Wednesday, March 17, 2010

"2,000 miles but that's still alright..."

"I'll see you in the morning if that's alright..."
In the midst of a very exciting and frantic crazy 12 hours of planning--I found the perfect way to find my way 2000 miles home for Easter...the stage was set: my senior thesis would be finally-drafted and handed in and my presentation will have come and gone, and by Wednesday night I would be enjoying the pride of finishing the capstone of 4 years of work at HOME, amidst my surprised and happy family.
Like I said, the stage was set...and happen chance has led to a series of troubles of which I still don't know the final outcome. We will see how the curtain falls. But, at first my thesis due date was pushed back, and therefore discouraging my 2000 mile flight the weekend before...The stars were aligning though, and as I magically got switched with someone else, my due date was moved back to March 30th allowing for my departure promptly on March 31st. ...My rides were arranged and I was looking forward to a cross-country drive of my beautiful Mid-West homeland, having much more natural beauty than anything I've seen in Southwest Florida.
FINALLY, after all was arranged I went back to purchase the tickets and was highly discouraged to see the prices practically triple in ways that are beyond my sense--I don't understand in any way how the airline SERVICES work in this country and how I wish we could be like Europe and use the train system in a cheaper and more practical fashion. ...I still am awaiting a sudden drop in prices as all watching me from their stars up there tell me to hold on to hope...Patience is not a virtue for the weak, and sadly, I find that I am only weak.
However, all of this is a happy distraction from the weight of my actual senior thesis: 4 years of work in intellectual endeavors compacted into one 25-30 page/20min. presentation--pass or fail. I comfort myself with the thought that there is no way I'm going to fail college, but at the same time the perfectionist in me is dying, and the stressed-out side is stressing out, and the vain/insecure/prideful part is mortified to speak declaratively and forcefully, defending MY argument to people with far greater depths of knowledge than yours truly.
Presently I await some kind of change in my great fate in the local coffee shop. I put on my music and watch everyone around me move to it as a small voice reminds me that "all will be well." I believe it. Life is good...and a friend stops by and gives me this prayer, which surely I will have memorized with 2 weeks: "Blessed Jesus, give me stillness of soul in Thee. Let Thy might calmness reign in me. Rule me, O Thou King of gentleness, King of peace."
Anyway, Happy St. Patrick's Day. I definately celebrated with a Guinness after class and wore the according amount of green to my 4% Irish background, hah.
Song of the Day: Tomorrow Morning by Jack Johnson.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Lilacs in a mason jar...

Thought for the day: All I want is lilacs in spring.
A picnic under the oak tree.
A bottle of wine.
Probably chocolate.
Yesterday, to end spring break, I finished My Antonia--one of my all time favorite books. Even though I've read it 4 or 5 times now, I still cry on and off through the last 40 pages. It brings tears to my eyes just to think about it; and afterward I sit a daze and contemplate the differences between Antonia and Jim's culture and ours, how Antonia raised her family, the struggles and hardships that made this country and allowed our families to be where they are at today. I wonder with Jim Burden if the dreams of one person can really be fitting for two? And my heart breaks over all that Antonia and Jim never had: why didn't they just stay together? why didn't they get married, I wonder?! Cuzak did not want what Antonia wanted, but he still got her...and Jim, oh how Jim's romantic heart treasured and kept Antonia, loved her and allowed her to become a part of himself. Yet apart they remain, and my heart cries out from the depths of my being "WHY!?"...
I can see Antonia, and her children and their's all so present to me. And how Antonia teaches her children--she, as uneducated as she is formally speaking, imparts to her children everything that she has learned and all that she went through and grew up in truly became a part of her children...she passed on her very self and oh my heart, the beauty of her her children cherish her and know her.
Such a beautiful story.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

I'm Back!

WELL, after a very long stretch of 'looking for a muse'...I feel like I am now able to blog again! Maybe it's the encouragement of ONE follower! haha, thanks, Rose.

Like I said in my last post, I was searching for a muse and it's almost like it was yesterday when I think about it...I can still feel how it was last semester when I remember it: such a desire and longing for HOME and the weight of studies bearing me down. I finally made it home and now, thinking about it for the first time since then, I have already finished the rough draft of my senior thesis (a full 25 pages). All of a sudden, it seems like I can handle anything else this semester throws!--granted there is not even 2 months left! I feel the pressing need to figure out my next step, and find that I keep praying for passion--I need passion to be able to move anywhere and find what I want to do...We are raised into a culture that cultivates apathy at all corners: everyone is equal and too much passion makes one look like a fanatic. Well, bring it on. I was at a fancy dinner recently as the evening pursued (can I even use that word like that?) the older man sitting next to me, a retired Pediatrician, told me no matter what I do to have passion--people need passion, we need conviction, to live a good life and a fulfilling life. And we, as people, need examples of other people with passion to encourage us on our paths...

As of right now my path is a bit unclear as far as the details, but the general direction could not be clearer. As I make plans for my family to come down for graduation in May, and get the car ready for another 2000 mile road trip, I can't help feel myself being drawn back to the North and it's as if it's already present even while I'm here...I can feel it in me, I'm already there. I have a few ideas for books that I'd like to start researching for and I have a job set up for the summer. After the summer I'm going to move to the big cities of Minneapolis-St. Paul, and hopefully fall on the St. Paul side rather than "Murder-opolis" (something I was recently informed of). I'm looking into teaching licenses and teaching in one of the elementary Catholic schools there...The Catholic community there, especially for young adults, seems to be thriving and I am eargerly looking forward to transitioning into a city with more cultural opportunities and the busyness that seems to envelope the ripe age of the early 20s.

I also am longing for a true spring, opposed to the bastardized verson we get in southwest Florida. There is something about the pattern of life up there that's hard to do without after having had it...

Well I'm off to pick up a friend from the airport, so until next time..