Searching for a muse...

It's been almost a week since I've written on here, the last month or so has just been busy with life. ...I know I could have more to do as far as school goes, but even then, I think I'd do about the same amount of work, it's more of trying to figure out the life-thing that is taking up time.

Since there really is no such thing as a break at a small Catholic university, I am now in search of my Muse for my last 2 papers of my last fall semester of my last year at college, at last.

Turkey day was good, I spent it at a friend's grandmom's house. While it was good, it was still sad and lonely as any holiday away from home ought to be. My roommate left for the weekend as well, so it's been a quiet weekend.

One of my high school classmates is getting married today--eek. I'm almost 22. In 8 years I'll be 30. When my brother graduates from High School I'll be 28. Ugh...what am I going to do with my life?! This weekend my life is writing 2 papers, one on Evelyn Waugh's Brideshead Revisited and another on Shelley's poetry. Rather ambitious on the latter half, and drawing a blank for the former...a wonderful chocolate is awaiting me, tempting me as it sits on my desk, which I have alotted to myself on the completion of something, anything, today.

The countdown has begun..3 weeks til I go home. : )

I love life.

I. Love. Life.

I just got off the phone with my dad, and every rare once in a while I'll have a great catch-up with my Dad. My dad is an absolute goofball, and so, while my dad always takes care of me, we don't always have the longest of serious conversations. But today, we talked for about 45 minutes, and I'm just dying to get home. FOUR weeks from yesterday, and I will be home. I cannot wait to get back to the Cold, White North. I subconsciously refuse to admit the inevitable procession of Time while amidst the consistent temperatures of South West Florida. I have to remind myself it is November. And not only is it November. It is November 22nd. When did that happen!?

Anyway, I was pleased to hear all the update of everyone at home from my Dad and I am looking forward with great anticipation this much needed vacation. This semester has been rough--and I have senioritis, and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, and after 3 months I finally feel that just now I'm getting settled, and now I must start thinking about the end. Life just keeps going.

I don't know if I could have had a nerdier weekend and this morning's experience was proof of that (I'll get to that in a minute). Friday night, after Intramural football, I spent the night drinking wine, eating cheese, bread and chocolate, and finishing both Brideshead Revisisted and The Chosen. Two wonderful books worthy of reading, at least once, and now on my list to read again (for the 3rd time). I spent most of the day Saturday contemplating Romanticism, the poet Shelley and the idea of self-creation between the coffee shop and the library. Saturday evening I also spent studying, and then caught up with the girls to watch the movie The Breakup. I LOVE Jennifer Aniston, and Vince Vaughn is a good actor. I really liked the movie...

After early Mass today I headed to the coffee shop for much needed leisure reading...The last few days have been rather melancholic, and mixed with my desire to write, I have spent them deep in thought about ...things students think about? haha. ...about things that I can't write about yet because I hvaen't thought enough. ...One day I'll write a book though. Watch for me, Rebecca Barclay. My name might be changed by then though, so...just watch for it. haha.

I have class later today at the Pub, which I am SO looking forward to...Romanticism, Dr. Raiger and beer, woo hooo...haha. Can't wait til break next week--anticipation of Thanksgiving mmm...I'm also planning on vegetating for a few days over a Friends marathon. I love that show.

These, my friends, are the shoes that carried me to the dance last weekend. They were option #3, I found the absolute perfect shoes at Charlotte Rousse, and the second pair were at Marshalls, and finally due to lack of my size (because everyone my size must love them), I finally found these and happily sported them for most of the evening.

I've failed at blogging this week, due to...due to what? .. Hm, I'm not sure either. It was a busy week, I guess, from here on out the semester will only be easy. I had 2 papers due earlier this week and one later last week--I received the one from last week back and was disappointed...I knew I did bad, BUT, somehow...I had hopes...for...haha, I don't know what for. I knew it was a bad paper an dmy professor figured just as much...I was going to use him for a reference, but now I'm second-guessing...it's funny how much feelings-in-the-moment drive our decisions...I'm now second-guessing the whole Masters program, which I found to be perfect. I don't know what to do...

"I don't know what to do with my life..." haha. For now I guess I'll just live. ...Hmm...what do I really want?...What do I really want to do? ... I want to be a wife and mother (No, I'm not going for my M-R-S degree...), I just think that's what I want. No one really wants that now it seems, all this talk about careers and moving up, doing for yourself, finding yourself, being yourself. I think people are just selfish and afraid. Selfish to give of themselves and afraid of failing...

Anyways...random thoughts for the day.

One day I will stand like this...looking out over my yard...from my home. Drinking...what is it? Wine? Coffee??...haha. one or the other.

I have felt melancholic the last couple days, and I'm not quite sure why. Life is so bizarre...so many odd things happen, and amidst it all, Divine Providence drenches each moment. It completely covers and carries each moment.

Life keeps going and it's up to the lasting-soul-part-of-man to figure out how to 'keep on keeping on.' Sometimes I feel so far removed from the physical material world, it's hard for me to understand how modern man lives, so close to matter and hardly breaking surface beyond skin.

I could sit content for hours thinking thoughts and dreaming dreams...and when I grow up I'll make sure to dedicate a physical space in my home to the beyond-physical.

Another day goes by...

Another day...Another weekend...Another week, Another month and I'll be home!

I can't wait to go home for Christmas break. And there will be snow, and family and my 11-year-old brother and just more home-ness. Regardless of where you're from, I think that there's just some unseen understanding of your presence where you grew up. ...Lutovsky's still live down the road, and know that I don't like playing baseball and that I'm going for Theology. The lady at the bank will ask how school is going, her husband was my student-teacher driver for Drivers Ed. Coach Barta will still go into the gas station, and the same little old ladies will be sitting at the same spots for daily Mass.

Wen I leave, I feel like part of me just stays at home. I get home and I just think, "*sigh*, yes, I forgot about you. That's just right--feels like me." ...

So what lies betbween me and this magical place, haha: 2 papers and a quiz tomorrow, first of all. After that, mm..I don't know...a few more papers, a few more quizes, a few tests, an oral exam...and one month. Oh how I can't wait.

The light's on at the end of the tunnel, I can see it now.

Jokes on me...

So, again, it's been awhile...

It's been a long, rather up-and-down, emotionally-driven, week. *so happy today's Friday*

As I sat on my bed crying (some day this week), my roommate Grace was reflecting out loud, "we never used to have problems like this." Between cancer, alcohol, appendicitis, best friends having babies, boys and school--all the emotions able to be experienced seem to be covered amidst our tight-knit group of girlfriends. People we know are dying and people we know are getting married. We're in those choice years that seem to shape a person by teaching...and the early 2o-something-year old learns from experience, aka "the hard way."

...

Anyway, the joke on me today: I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning to finish a paper, only to find that on Monday of this week (yes, 4 days ago, Monday) we received an extension. I came to class ready to hand over all that I could muster on the Romantic movement into the second generation packed into 6 and 1/2 pages, to find an extra 48 hours in which I now get to revise. :). ...I'd rather just turn it in.

School seems to be consuming my life right now--paper, paper, paper, quiz, annotated bibliography, read, read, read. It's good though. Just overwhelming.

I can't complain right now: Life is good. The heart of life is good, and I have been blessed with th grace to be happy in the moment, so I have nothing to complain about.

I can't wait...

I can't wait...to watch the Vikings game this weekend.

I can't wait...to get all dolled up for the dance this weekend.

I can't wait...to return that dress I bought from Gap online, so I can have 30 more bucks.

I can't wait...to take the afternoon for myself tomorrow, instead of going to work.

I can't wait...to finish this paper tonight, and do it well.

I can't wait...to read Brideshead Revisited.

I can't wait...to hear from my family in the next couple days.

I can't wait...to see my best friend's first baby in a few months.

I can't wait...to be done with undergraduate SCHOOLING.

I can't wait...to take just one day at a time.

Life is good. I'm so stressed. But Life is good. And as long as I just take it one thing at a time, and keep asking "what's the worst that could happen if this doesn't go as planned?" I'll be fine.

writing, writing, writing...

I'm going to do this...instead of blogging.

Happy Sunday...what's left of it anyway!

I absolutely love this picture. It makes me so happy. She must be marking the pages that have good quotes.

"A book is a nerds best friend." Okay...I made it up, and actually it should be, "BOOKS are a nerds best friend." My roommate clarified that I'm not a nerd, as in sci-fi nerd, but rather I am a nerd "for" something. I love readings...books...writing...coffee. And today, of all days, I think I found what I'm going to do with my life (for the next unknown amount of time). I've been a bit down lately, since the breakup and all (how dramatic, I know). Because of this, I've been trying to take care of myself...I've indulged in the goodness of Dove dark chocolate. I've bought wine (Robert Mondavi's Pinot Noir--loves it). I've gone to the pub. a few times...I've been spending my time drinking coffee, laying in my bed, to the utmost of relaxation--and indulging in the greatness that is oft contained between two covers. I have four books sitting on the dresser next to my bed...a couple more on my bed right now...and a few other randoms on my desk and in my book bag. ...It's funny how much they have become my 'best friends' (I know I'm lame...and dramatic). I decided today that only what is good is worth my time and my love (love meant both in the sense of what I like and in the sense of what I simply give my will over to, what I choose to give myself to). Ugh, it's so hard.

Back to the point...since I've been down, and pampering myself, I went to the coffee shop today to study. At 5:00 I was sad to find that it closes at such an hour on Sundays...on the way out I ran into a couple of friends who were simply moving to the outside tables to keep studying so I joined them. ...One thing led to another and I ended up going to dinner with one of them. While discussing our classes and what we want to do with our majors, she told me about a program that offers a Masters in Fine Arts, specifically designed for creative writing. It sounded too good to be true, and I quickly relayed my excited, while maintaing an amount of reservation within. I was certain that as soon as I researched it, a number of rather large speed bumps would be present that would discourage any effort whatsoever. This girl told me she would e-mail me the link, and I even thought "Oh, she won't even remember after this conversation."

Tonight I sat down to check my e-mail and was surprised to see an e-mail from her, along with the link to the University's webpage. After looking through all the tabs, all I could think was "this is it." You know how sometimes you don't even have to think beyond a moment, you just know. You have to make an effort and you simply have to do it. Well, this is one of those. Possibly the best part of it: it's a low-residency program. I can study and earn my masters from whatever location I desire, with the simple standard that I must attend two 10-day residencies a year. One in Seattle and one in New Mexico. Other than that, after 2 (or 3, if I decide on 2 genres instead of 1) years I would have it. Also, a bonus: the cost is only $30,000 for 3 years; which beats (x 100) the $25,000 a year I'm paying now.

Nothing else could line up more. It's funny how certain things fall into place while others fall out. My heart's at peace simply because I know Someone up there is looking out for me, and His plans are way better than mine, even when I don't understand.

Also--in my efforts to pamper myself--I went shopping online today. (LOVES IT). Here's pics of what I ordered : ) Happy Monday.

It's been awhile...

I've been taking a break from this blogsite, and have been exploring another blogsite. I created a blog on tumblr ( www.heartscribble.tumblr.com ) .. While it lacks the susbstantial aspect of blogs on other blogsites, it's neat to reblog photos and the photos are usually awesome...It's kind of like an online dreambook.

I think that after I graduate from college I'll start a real blog, until then I'll just dip around.

Life is life here, it just keeps moving. Things are always changing, and we just have such problems adjusting to change...I feel like I'm in between stages...not quite outta here--no longer tied here. ...I can't wait to be done with school for awhile. I don't know what I'll do next, but I know that nothing will be like the education I received here, at a small Catholic liberal arts school. It's advertised as "rigorous" and students only speak of graduation as "survival." ...I can't wait to move back North...I miss my winter wardrobe, hot coffee because it's cold, and my family.

I also found out last night I won't be getting any visitors from home for Thanksgiving, my parents and sister were thinking about coming. In light of recent events, concerning "the-X," I also will be staying here rather than going to anyone's home. Darn. Sad holidays. College days can be so lonely.

Learning how to sing in the rain...

Well..

as of last night I am now a single lady again. ...

I really didn't expect this I guess. And now, I guess I'll just take care of myself.

I wish I could go home. Going to school 2000 miles away from home really doesn't help with life things like this.

What's the saying?
I guess I have to learn how to sing in the rain.

And what's my friend Sam always say, "he's a chump."

Here's to all the single ladies...

That's all for today.

Hello Monday!

I think today was the best day I had in quite a while. Sometimes all I think is "I don't want to grow up, I don't want to grow up", and other times I think "I can't wait to grow up." Today was an "I can't wait to grow up day," and have my own place, and go to Mass on Sunday and then lounge the rest of the day away..naps...House...30 Rock...football...volleyball..a walk. And at this point, if I were grown up, I would hit the hay. But tonight, I am welcoming Monday in its very beginnings with a cup of coffee, as I sit down to write 6 more pages for my take home Mid-Term that I have successfully put off until now (and I'm actually still procrastinating, as I tell myself, oo its not due til 4:30--plenty of time, I could do it all tomorrow...), hah, but no, I am sitting down to do it tonight. I've been waiting for my muse...and I told him to wait until after I finally blogged, and if he fails me yet again tonight, I think that I will stay up watching House and 30 Rock. The internet connection on campus here is ridiculous--absolutely ridiculous, and only works well for hulu at odd times when not that many people are using the internet. Therefore, I must choose wisely when to view, and until I have my own place *where the internet will work* deal.

I think I hurt my heart yesterday: in honor of Halloween, a group of us got together to watch a scary movie, Quarantine. I was definately scared, but it was definately worth it--I love the thrill that it gives you (makes you feel so alive, haha), and I find it thoroughly entertaining, to sit on a couch with a bunch of people who all scream and jump at the same time and then laugh hysterically while actually being completely scared. I think it's hilarious.

I was also thankful for daylight savings today, and found it amusing that my bf was up, showered, dressed and on his way down to meet me for Mass before realizing the time change. The rest of the day was filled with a long nap, House (this is a great season), my first time viewing 30 Rock (which I found hilarious), meeting up at the pub with a couple girlfriends for the Vikings games (Vikings beat the Packers again, 38-26), and a friendly match of 2 on 2 sand volleyball, in which me and the bf won a couple rounds in the ongoing world series titled "Matt&Bec-Take-The-World." While I only use the title of this series when we play volleyball, that's how I feel, we're trying to figure out if we're meant to be...if we really can take on the world together. Regardless of how it ends, it sure is great now.

Now I'm off to find my muse...hopefully he accompanies this cup of coffee which, I'm sure, will not dissappoint (it's always better to look at the positive side rather than the negative...).