Saturday, November 28, 2009
Since there really is no such thing as a break at a small Catholic university, I am now in search of my Muse for my last 2 papers of my last fall semester of my last year at college, at last.
Turkey day was good, I spent it at a friend's grandmom's house. While it was good, it was still sad and lonely as any holiday away from home ought to be. My roommate left for the weekend as well, so it's been a quiet weekend.
One of my high school classmates is getting married today--eek. I'm almost 22. In 8 years I'll be 30. When my brother graduates from High School I'll be 28. Ugh...what am I going to do with my life?! This weekend my life is writing 2 papers, one on Evelyn Waugh's Brideshead Revisited and another on Shelley's poetry. Rather ambitious on the latter half, and drawing a blank for the former...a wonderful chocolate is awaiting me, tempting me as it sits on my desk, which I have alotted to myself on the completion of something, anything, today.
The countdown has begun..3 weeks til I go home. : )
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
These, my friends, are the shoes that carried me to the dance last weekend. They were option #3, I found the absolute perfect shoes at Charlotte Rousse, and the second pair were at Marshalls, and finally due to lack of my size (because everyone my size must love them), I finally found these and happily sported them for most of the evening.
I've failed at blogging this week, due to...due to what? .. Hm, I'm not sure either. It was a busy week, I guess, from here on out the semester will only be easy. I had 2 papers due earlier this week and one later last week--I received the one from last week back and was disappointed...I knew I did bad, BUT, somehow...I had hopes...for...haha, I don't know what for. I knew it was a bad paper an dmy professor figured just as much...I was going to use him for a reference, but now I'm second-guessing...it's funny how much feelings-in-the-moment drive our decisions...I'm now second-guessing the whole Masters program, which I found to be perfect. I don't know what to do...
"I don't know what to do with my life..." haha. For now I guess I'll just live. ...Hmm...what do I really want?...What do I really want to do? ... I want to be a wife and mother (No, I'm not going for my M-R-S degree...), I just think that's what I want. No one really wants that now it seems, all this talk about careers and moving up, doing for yourself, finding yourself, being yourself. I think people are just selfish and afraid. Selfish to give of themselves and afraid of failing...
Anyways...random thoughts for the day.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
One day I will stand like this...looking out over my yard...from my home. Drinking...what is it? Wine? Coffee??...haha. one or the other.
Monday, November 16, 2009
I can't wait to go home for Christmas break. And there will be snow, and family and my 11-year-old brother and just more home-ness. Regardless of where you're from, I think that there's just some unseen understanding of your presence where you grew up. ...Lutovsky's still live down the road, and know that I don't like playing baseball and that I'm going for Theology. The lady at the bank will ask how school is going, her husband was my student-teacher driver for Drivers Ed. Coach Barta will still go into the gas station, and the same little old ladies will be sitting at the same spots for daily Mass.
Wen I leave, I feel like part of me just stays at home. I get home and I just think, "*sigh*, yes, I forgot about you. That's just right--feels like me." ...
So what lies betbween me and this magical place, haha: 2 papers and a quiz tomorrow, first of all. After that, mm..I don't know...a few more papers, a few more quizes, a few tests, an oral exam...and one month. Oh how I can't wait.
The light's on at the end of the tunnel, I can see it now.
Friday, November 13, 2009
It's been a long, rather up-and-down, emotionally-driven, week. *so happy today's Friday*
As I sat on my bed crying (some day this week), my roommate Grace was reflecting out loud, "we never used to have problems like this." Between cancer, alcohol, appendicitis, best friends having babies, boys and school--all the emotions able to be experienced seem to be covered amidst our tight-knit group of girlfriends. People we know are dying and people we know are getting married. We're in those choice years that seem to shape a person by teaching...and the early 2o-something-year old learns from experience, aka "the hard way."
Anyway, the joke on me today: I stayed up into the wee hours of the morning to finish a paper, only to find that on Monday of this week (yes, 4 days ago, Monday) we received an extension. I came to class ready to hand over all that I could muster on the Romantic movement into the second generation packed into 6 and 1/2 pages, to find an extra 48 hours in which I now get to revise. :). ...I'd rather just turn it in.
School seems to be consuming my life right now--paper, paper, paper, quiz, annotated bibliography, read, read, read. It's good though. Just overwhelming.
I can't complain right now: Life is good. The heart of life is good, and I have been blessed with th grace to be happy in the moment, so I have nothing to complain about.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
I can't wait...to get all dolled up for the dance this weekend.
I can't wait...to return that dress I bought from Gap online, so I can have 30 more bucks.
I can't wait...to take the afternoon for myself tomorrow, instead of going to work.
I can't wait...to finish this paper tonight, and do it well.
I can't wait...to read Brideshead Revisited.
I can't wait...to hear from my family in the next couple days.
I can't wait...to see my best friend's first baby in a few months.
I can't wait...to be done with undergraduate SCHOOLING.
I can't wait...to take just one day at a time.
Life is good. I'm so stressed. But Life is good. And as long as I just take it one thing at a time, and keep asking "what's the worst that could happen if this doesn't go as planned?" I'll be fine.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
I think that after I graduate from college I'll start a real blog, until then I'll just dip around.
Life is life here, it just keeps moving. Things are always changing, and we just have such problems adjusting to change...I feel like I'm in between stages...not quite outta here--no longer tied here. ...I can't wait to be done with school for awhile. I don't know what I'll do next, but I know that nothing will be like the education I received here, at a small Catholic liberal arts school. It's advertised as "rigorous" and students only speak of graduation as "survival." ...I can't wait to move back North...I miss my winter wardrobe, hot coffee because it's cold, and my family.
I also found out last night I won't be getting any visitors from home for Thanksgiving, my parents and sister were thinking about coming. In light of recent events, concerning "the-X," I also will be staying here rather than going to anyone's home. Darn. Sad holidays. College days can be so lonely.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I guess I have to learn how to sing in the rain.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
I think I hurt my heart yesterday: in honor of Halloween, a group of us got together to watch a scary movie, Quarantine. I was definately scared, but it was definately worth it--I love the thrill that it gives you (makes you feel so alive, haha), and I find it thoroughly entertaining, to sit on a couch with a bunch of people who all scream and jump at the same time and then laugh hysterically while actually being completely scared. I think it's hilarious.
I was also thankful for daylight savings today, and found it amusing that my bf was up, showered, dressed and on his way down to meet me for Mass before realizing the time change. The rest of the day was filled with a long nap, House (this is a great season), my first time viewing 30 Rock (which I found hilarious), meeting up at the pub with a couple girlfriends for the Vikings games (Vikings beat the Packers again, 38-26), and a friendly match of 2 on 2 sand volleyball, in which me and the bf won a couple rounds in the ongoing world series titled "Matt&Bec-Take-The-World." While I only use the title of this series when we play volleyball, that's how I feel, we're trying to figure out if we're meant to be...if we really can take on the world together. Regardless of how it ends, it sure is great now.
Now I'm off to find my muse...hopefully he accompanies this cup of coffee which, I'm sure, will not dissappoint (it's always better to look at the positive side rather than the negative...).
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Sometimes this is how I feel. ...Sometimes can't you just see the imperfection that all exist within you--can't you just feel that inside of you there is a world far far away from anything anyone else can see?!...How deep we can go inside of ourselves, how far down our hearts reach--I don't think we even know. Everyday that passes, there is so much change and so much monotony. Its as if we are continually being bombarded on all sides with *new*new*new* and we're taught in the modern world today to be numb*numb*numb to things, not to really feel, but to just do what you do feel. We don't let ourselves go any deeper...it's like at the bottom of ourselves--deep inside, far down, there is the treasure chest at the bottom of the ocean, and it's calm there...even though everything isn't perfect, it's calm there. But, we stay at the very top--where the wind moves the water, and that's what we are: we move with the wind. ...Today I can just see my imperfections, it's like being present in two worlds, the constant struggle and battle to remain present in what is real, and not to let my projections, insecurities, etc. dictate how I act.
that's all for meditation alskjdf...
Anyway--South West Florida, could you not just disappoint once and COOL the heck off. Hell will freeze over before you dip down into the low 60s. And I am going to die, one way or another--thermal combustion, melt down, ... dehydration, starvation (can't go out to get food), etc. Looks like it'll be a pretty nice weekend here...just gonna keep on mozying on through Saturday..hit up the college basketball game tonight...and just chill out tonight. I still have 6 and 1/2-7 pages to write for 4:30 on Monday. But (all of a sudden), frankly dear, I don't give a damn. And so what's done is done and what's not will be soon enough, no need to freak.
I think I'll just have a piece of chocolate and live.
The Vikings play tomorrow 4:15 Central Time. Against the Packers, again. Go Vikings!
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
My roomate and I have been falling in love with a certain spider named Buddy who has taken up residence outside our second-story dorm room window. Day after day he weaves his web, day after day it is destroyed by the wind and rain. But he’s been there, toiling away for three months. Such a perseverant spider. Hard worker, despite everything that’s going against him. But he doesn’t seem to care, life doesn’t seem to intimidate him in the least. That may be because he’s a spider, but I like to think of him as Buddy, my role model. I would like to go through a day without despairing when I fail, without getting frustrated with life, without giving into the hopelessness and tiredness of the daily struggle. I would like to go through a day like Buddy.
Buddy’s spiderweb has never survived the day. But he has, and he’s rebuilt it every day. Maybe everyday he beings weaving, hoping that this will be the day the web survives. **
WELL, everyone in the blogging world, life goes on: and my emotions are what rule my life right now. I'm really trying to understand this, this being my emotional life of whimsy, BUT for now, I'll just press on. Life is bigger than my emotions and, usually my emotions are wrong anyways.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Making it through another day. The good news for today: I got an A on my last Romanticism paper...the professor remarked, " This is linked nicely to the poet/nature/other dynamic found in "Resolution and Independence," which you've shown me to be a more intersting and complicated poem than I previously thought." WOO HOO. So, in order to get an A: pick a poem the professor hasn't studied extensively; BS your way through ;). Just kiddinggg...
I don't know what else to say!. Life is so simple--it really is, I think we complicate it, and it all can be so hard. All we really want is to love and be loved, and that's the hardest thing. How do we really love? How do you know how to love when from person to person it changes? When you can't find consistency within yourself? When everything outside of you changes and moves? I don't know either yet...
Monday, October 26, 2009
Today was a great day for the beach, where I started to re-read The Chosen by Chaim Potek. It was a beautiful day...After the beach we lazily watched 2 hours of House--and thus commenced my final Fall Break of my college career: a very satisfying one. Now that I'm back on campus, I've realized that I've fallen behind in all of my classes. ...This weekend I also realized how much I miss home, and how much I wish I had been a literature major. I also think that I am highly effected by the lack of chocolate in my diet. This epiphany led me to the candy aisle, in which I found that Dove chocolate was on sale in Wal Mart tonight. I refrained from buying more than one bag, and am thus beginning my journey to find the perfect balance for my karma. Or, rather, my emotional well-being.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Yesterday was a very long Friday, and I was happy to end it with a girls night out. All of us were rolling deep as we went to Sushi-Thai (there were 16 of us I think). Ew, I know, it sounds gross. Raised in the country of North Dakota, I wasn't much cultured in such concentrations as sushi or thai. I've been to the restaurant before, and very stubbornly resisted the temptation to get anything, but last night I finally gave it a try. Like I said, I am a meat and potatoes girl...and so this was rather momentous for me. I got the Katsu Roll--Fried chicken, asparagus, and scallion wrapped in rice that is held together by seaweed. Drooling yet? It wasn't as bad as I thought it was, but I didn't get to use the chop sticks--the fact that you're supposed to put the whole thing in your mouth at once and use two pointed sticks to do that got me, and I just used a good ol' American fork.
After dinner we made our way to the local Panera for coffee and then hit up the movie Where The Wild Things Are. I did not grow up reading that book, so I didn't really know what I was getting in to. It was a very bizarre movie--with a lot of psychological underpins...I'd like to watch it again and read into it a bit more. Regardless of its strangeness, it was entertaining and the birthday girl loved it.
And now I must go, I'm off to do absolutely nothing for 3 days and I can't be late for that.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Continuing on the theme of today: today, too, if I could choose anything--I'd choose to run away and just be Matt and Kim. I'd find a job that was "soul-less" (meaning, no real deeper meaning at the root), and I'd work for a living, and let the grandeur of my everyday ordinary life be enough for my soul. My job would simply be a part of my bigger life, and my life would never simply be my job. I want to live for a-living. Matt and Kim are a punk band that nobody knows about, and they hava a great song, Daylight.
My mid-terms for today went fine, not as well as could be expected I guess, but at least they're over. I have a paper to write for tomorrow, and I also found out that my take home midterm (which I GET tomorrow FOR over Fall Break) is to write TWO 4-page essays. errgggg...I am also dreading tomorrow. There's something about having time chunked out and alotted that just ruins my day: class from 9:45 to 11:45, work from 1-5 and then the girls are going out at 5:30. At least the girls night out will be fun, but I'm the type of solitary soul who just enjoys herself time...needs herself time...to function well and fine, and as ought to. Oh well, life keeps going.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
I bought skinny jeans today.
After subconsciously writing skinny jeans off as too tight for me (and my bodacious curves), I decided to wear a pair of my roommate's for a dance a few weeks ago. It was a Sadie Hawkins dance, and we were supposed to dress as our favorite famous couple. ...I quickly decided Lucy and Ricky Ricardo would be perfect. I asked my bf and he said yes (phew), and while he looks nothing like Ricky Ricardo, I still thought theyd be perfect. The night of the dance came and it must have been an emotional day--I knew we 'd look nothing like them and so in order to prevent a breakdown (girls and their emotions :/), we went as Matt and Kim. The punk rock band nobody knows about but is so cute. Look up their song Daylight. It's a great song.
ANYWAY---I wore the skinny jeans, and was almost instantly converted. And today, I bought skinny jeans. And I can't wait to wear them.
Yes, I spent today shopping, and am still procrastinating at the moment, the weekend before Mid Terms. It should be a busy week, but oh well. Weeks are always busy and the only thing we really have is the present moment. Don't want to waste time now...
The cool 70s and 60s temps of the weekend brought back a great interior wistfulness for home. Oh, South West Florida, how you fail to capture the true beauty of Fall and kill any love for sweatshirts and curling up in a nice blanket with a cup of coffee and a good book. While I was bummed that not only was it cooler temps, but the humidity dropped low enough to prevent us from going to the beach today, I'm not holding out for the cool front to last much longer...I'm sure by tomorrow I'll again sweat the moment I step outside and my hair will not hold anything due to the humidity.
Well, off to the books I guess. A final quote on the subject of emotions: "But are not this struggle and even the mistakes one may make better, and do they not develop us more, than if we kept systematically away from emotions?" ~Vincent Van Gogh
I think it is better to keep near. Good bye, precious weekend, good morning Monday.
Friday, October 16, 2009
After sitting through my 2+ hour Romanticism class, which I do love, by the way--and would love merely for the reason that it is at the coffee shop and not in a classroom, I ran into a dear friend of mine and was pleased to find that she did an exceedingly well job on her moot court the other day--perhaps the biggest project of her undergraduate career. This news lifted my spirits a bit, but sometimes everything just keeps going on around you and all you want to do is stop.
After a quick lunch, here I am, and now, with just minutes left to exert the freedom of my will, I will bring my will back under restraint and make my way off to an afternoon of work as an Administrative Assistant. Bleh. Each Friday I feel more and more what it really means to make an act of the will--haha, I have to batter it down and put it in a neck-hold, and then, finally, a small (and hopefully appearing to be genuine) smile comes, and slowly grows as I know that I couldn't explain it well enough to these older working men and women, what it quite means to take all the chances you can while you're still young and do not NEED the money because you will only WASTE it....ahh...torn...torn..i'm a senior in college...never again will I be here again..no more school...work...'real' world....
I don't want to grow up.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Oh well. And now the name of the game is Catch Up. While laying in bed, watching House and taking a 2 and 1/2 hour nap sounded and felt great yesterday, it has left me behind in 3 of my 4 classes, and we'll take the tally again tonight to check for progress on the 4th class.
To continue in the color of grey, I'll leave you with one of the poems we read in 2oth century literature today. It's by Wilfred Owen, a war poet, I think most known for his poem Dulce Et Decorum Est. This poem is called The Last Laugh.
'O Jesus Christ! I'm hit,' he said; and died.
Whether he vainly cursed, or prayed indeed,
The Bullets chirped--In vain! vain! vain!
Machine-guns chuckled,--Tut-tut! Tut-tut!
And the Big Gun guffawed.
Another sighed,--'O Mother, mother! Dad!'
Then smiled, at nothing, childlike, being dead.
And the lofty Sharpnel-cloud
And the falling splinters tittered.
'My Love!' one moaned. Love-languid seemed his mood,
Till, slowly lowered, his whole face kissed the mud.
And the Bayonets' long teeth grinned;
Rabbles of Shells hooted and groaned;
And the Gas hissed.
In this poem, Owen uses the opposite of rhyme: rather than changing the consonants to have rhymes, he uses consonant rhymes and changes the vowels: example, the end of lines 1 and 2: died and indeed. and the end of lines 6 and 7: Dad and dead. Anyway, at this point the movement of poetry went from a glorified sense of war to the dismal war that ended all wars--humanity is dying and technology in warfare is now killing us. The machinery takes on a personal tone as it chuckles, guffaws, gestures, hoots, groans and hisses. Sometimes don't you just feel this way? Everything is kicking you while you're down, even things that don't kick.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
"College promotes the sedentary life," my bf said last night, haha. It was this thought that spurred a nice run last night, followed by "studying," *ahem,* which actually consisted of an Amber Bock, a couple friends, Greek flash cards anddddd the first episode of the new season of House.
For those of you who are avid House fans, I found that the sudden (and rather prolonged...?) glimpse into the humanity of House kept me intrigued just as much as his usual biting sarcasm and bluntness. There's something about House you just gotta love...it's as if we all try to hide our narcissistic sides while he parades around, loving to analyze the reactions of people around him "for fun."
I decided to take Greek "for fun." I think it's fun to be taught and able to analyze languages--maybe it's the lack thereof we seem to get now a days in English. I also found out about a week ago that it's an intensive course, stuffing the load of two semesters into one. While the end sounds nice (after one year of Greek, I'll have the equivalency of two), my phrase for the last week has been "Greek is killing me." There's just more and more to memorize...and the more coming from the one side seems to confuse any left on the other side.
Wednesdays are good days for me--only one class from 8:30 to 9:30 and then my day is free. Temptations like the beach, sleep and frivilous obsessions most often get the best of me and tonight the agenda entails a nice trip to study at Barnes and Noble with a close girlfriend of mine. Coffee and books, what could be better?! I love perusing around, finding great finds, dreaming about having my own house with my own library filled with a ton of old-looking, worn books (most-likely unread...but cool looking nonetheless).
And then something usually brings me back to where I'm actually at, which then makes me question, in a rather frantic manner, how IN THE WORLD am I going to make it?! Money, what's that? How do I save it...what does that even mean?...It seems like these thoughts are always guided by the daunting and seemingly omnipresence object we call money, moolah, denaro...etc. Someone should write a book, "The Names of The Current Medium of Exchange" (*nerdy theology allusion*)...The best plan of action I have found thus far is to marry a man who's level headed and practical, but not practical enough to leave me to my fanciful dreaming alone.
And now, in the name of responsibility, I'm going to chase down this Romanticism professor--while he says that he thinks he has the most office hours of all the professors, the truth is, he has been known to run from students who came to visit him, change the location of his office for the day randomly, and just altogether skip and go to the Pub. I guess he is a Romanticism professor, literature professor's in general tend to be...eccentric. So best of luck to me, and good day to all of you.
Song of the Day: flashback to the 90s (great age of music, by the way, and 1998 to be exact)--One Week by Bare Naked Ladies.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
to imitate is to submerge personality at the lowest level of the mass."
I created this blog a few days ago and each time I sit down to actually write the first blog post I end up cringing and reverting to facebook, hotmail, fox news or some other website...I have this horrible feeling each time I try to start something that first of all I have never done before, and second of all, I don't know if I'll even write a second post. You may be asking what my point is and I really don't know either. I've thought to myself many a times, "hm. I'd like to be a writer." But a sure and practical way of going about such a career has never been apparent to me and the very best writers are those who go off muse moreso than a 12-step program.
More recently my "I'd like to be a writer" thought has been followed by a "maybe I should start a blog" thought. I don't know if it's something ingrained into the very thought of a blog that silently says "And I won't tell anyone I know I'm starting a blog--I'll tell the whole world my thoughts, as long as they don't know it's me it's okay." And thus my blog began...
And now I'm asking all of you regular joe bloggers, what do you blog about? It seems that people write about what they think about and what consumes them...the question underlying my state of being right now happens to be, "What am I going to do with my life?" When you're younger (junior high/high school), it's like you can answer this question anyway you want--it has bears no consequences at such a nice young age. When you get older, you realize that whatever you answer is what you are accountable for--you either choose to do it or you don't. You don't really know how to do what you want to do or how to get where you want to be, and the fear of the unkown that seems to lie in all of us often gets the best. What do I really want to do and what should I do? What do I want to do and what can I do? The older you get the more what you can do seems to influence what you want to do. I think it's easy to just fall back on what you know is possible--what's safe, comfortable, no fears...and so you kinda lose yourself, you lose what you really want and what makes you happy.
Before even writing I was tempted to look at other blogs and then to imitate whatever I could find, hence the opening quote. To create is recognize the spirit in things. For me, writing helps me recognize and understand more--more about how this life works, about how we work, about myself. So, for the rest of this senior year of college, I'm going to try and blog. If anything, it will at least be a funny thing to look back on: reflections on my senior year--I'll look back and see how much I didn't know, and laugh at how stupid I am.
I guess now you can say whatever you want. Have fun. Peace.